we don't see things as they are

I don’t know how it happened and I don’t know how to fix it but I am extremely dysfunctional. I used to be great at keeping in touch with people who I don’t see daily but since college I have let go of some really great friendships. On one note, I made a point of not visiting my hometown because I didn’t want to go home. I love my hometown because of the people, not my home though. I loved college freedom and that was squelched when I came home.

There were a handful of great high school friends who I have given up on calling or messaging because it’s just been so long. I haven’t been home at all between summer because I made a point not to be. Since high school I know that I have changed a lot and I know that my good high school friends have too. I thought we would always be friends but if it weren’t for facebook I never would have known even what they were up to.

Julie lost her dad last fall and is engaged to a great guy who we knew from high school. She is still in school getting her second associates in a different field. I’ve probably talked to her about 8 or 9 times since high school graduation. I really miss her, she was my first friend when I moved to that town in 8th grade and we were best friends until graduation.

Anne is with a cute guy (who I’ve never met officially, but I saw him at a leadership conference once) and we went to college in the same town! She studied something like International Studies or International Business. I saw her once because she was kind enough to pick me up from the airport and drive me home (it was an hour’s drive so that’s a big deal). She is wonderful. I miss her because she was always so lighthearted and fun.

Jen went to New Orleans to go to school, she is still there, I think. She studied business. I haven’t seen her since graduation. She studied abroad is Spain, I think, and traveled around Europe a bit. I always looked up to Jen because she was so independent and if she wanted to do something she would do whatever it took to make it happen. She is a really hard worker. I miss her, I wish I was more like her sometimes.

Sara is dating a guy who is ridiculously good looking from her college, I think, and she got her degree in Art. She was always great at that. The last time I saw her was when Anne picked me up from the airport, we went to Sara’s house briefly and said hello. She was a dancing partner of mine in a musical we did senior year, there was one move that I would constantly screw up and she would pick on me about it. I always thought she was so cool. I miss her!

Donnelle is one other person who I think about often from high school. We hung out off and on throughout high school. I admired her because she would proudly stand up for what she thought was right. In high school she became a vegetarian and I think she had been an atheist for a while. She moved to Florida to go to school and studied Environmental Studies and Political Science. I admire her, she is doing to do great things with life. I miss her too.

There were other people who meant a lot to me, but these ones stand out right now.

While I was writing this, my high school ex-boyfriend messaged me to let me know our beloved choir and musical director passed away. She was a very sweet woman and I regret never stopping by to see how things were going.

Note to self: Keep in touch.

I will likely start my new retail job on Monday, July 5th if all goes as planned. Until then I have to occupy my time. Today, I decided to clean the parts of the house that I use most (my bathroom, the kitchen, and my bedroom) from top to bottom and then I make cookie. There are tons of cookies and they are delicious! They are just chocolate chip  but they are soft and yummy.

I also reread some of my journal entries from my time abroad. Much to my disappointment I have calmed down a bit since I came back to the states, its been 6 months since I’ve been back and it often only feels like it’s been days. So much has happened since then. Transitioning back into college life as usual was a very difficult process. I dare say that my re-entry shock was a bit worse than the culture shock I experienced in Latin America. My head was not ready to do school work, especailly the type of work that I needed to do. My religious beliefs were all rattled and I couldn’t tell you exactly what I believe in January. I believed in God… and that’s all I was sure of. Who God was, God’s relationship with humanity, God’s ability to know the future, was God preforming miracles, etc.— these things were all very fuzzy to me. Going to a Christian college and being a Religion and Philosophy major meant that throughout my college career I was often writing and reading things that would cause me to challenge my faith. However, before studying abroad this was completely naturally for me and never a problem, after studying abroad this was a big deal and a very sensitive subject.

I was taking a class on the book of Jeremiah which is a book of prophecies. A lot of questions arose in the class on justice and how God intervenes (or doesn’t) in human affairs— maybe not in class but definitely in my mind while I was in class. The readings and papers for that class were so difficult to even get through, I often felt like crying because I couldn’t do it emotionally, it was all too sensitive to even think about let alone put on paper to hand in. I was never like this before.

Another class was about Christian Worldview, in which we discussed the occupation of Christians in the world (meaning what it meant to be a Christian, what was our purpose/vocation). Ha. Many people in my class felt that evangelizing was enough, when I felt that evangelizing was manipulative among other things. Many of my fellow classmates glorified the Christian subculture, which ‘protects’ them from ‘the world.’ I often wanted to quote to them the greatest commandment as well as passages from James and Isaiah about justice— fighting for human rights, economic rights, equality, and all of those things which I still believe are of the utmost importance in the Christian life.

In another class, a logic class (one of my favorites that semester), one of my classmates had been in Haiti on a missions trip when the earthquake demolished Port-au-Prince this past February. Many of the things he said to the class really bothered me, but there was one thing more than the rest. He was in a hospital praying for people who had been injured in the earthquake, evangelizing, too. He said, “It was so wonderful what God was doing— people were being saved! I could just see that God was going amazing things!” What? Saved from what? What amazing thing? An earthquake? They were “accepting Christ as their Savior”— of course someone will accept Christ when you minister to them on their death bed. Also, Haiti is a very Christian nation to begin with, 96% are Christian or Catholic ( a higher percentage than the US), this wasn’t news to them.

So, if God was there, why didn’t he stop the earthquake? Why didn’t he help Haiti’s economy a long time ago so that they would have the proper materials and whatnot to build buildings that could withstand earthquakes? Why wasn’t God doing something for Haiti when the whole world made Haiti a scapegoat? We could go with the “this is all a part of God’s plan” answer or look for another explanation of how God can be justice, good, and watch (note: not cause) these things to happen.

Anyway, at that moment I was ready to leave the classroom. I was so angry. I remember everyone in the class nodding and saying quietly, “Amen!” or “Praise the Lord!” They would all whisper to this kid on the way out, “Gosh, I’m so glad you are okay.” What about everyone else? Remember, all the Haitians? The ones who didn’t make it, ya know, crushed under buildings, lost in the rubble— remember them? Yes, we should be thankful for the survivors, but if God was involved we should be asking some questions, and if he was involved we should not be praising him for sparing some lives but lamenting for the loss of many and demanding an explanation.

I managed to keep my composer through the class and I bit my tongue, though it was difficult and I still regret not saying something— helping them to realize what they were all saying mindlessly.

This is a microcosm of my struggle all semester, I had to constantly remind myself that I had different experiences which challenged and drastically changed my faith. Of course I didn’t keep my feelings and frustrations to myself, I would go back to the townhouse and let my roommates hear about it— all of it. My roommates were saints, they always listened and often understood where I was coming from. Sometimes they even agreed. They were wonderful to me and I already miss having them around. It’s sad to think that I may not live with them again. Who knows, after Japan I might be Miss. Independent and not want roomies.

Japan is 77 days away!

I spent my morning getting ready for an interview, I am dressed and ready to walk out the door. However, my interview is at 2:30 and it’s about 10 minutes away. I have 2 hours, still. Ugh. I am never anxious, well, I’m hardly ever anxious. Today is one of those days were I am very, very anxious. Shaking, even. I know that those 2 cups of coffee aren’t doing me any good, but the anxiety is sure doing it’s own damage as well.

This is not the job of my dreams and I only plan on keeping it for the summer since I am leaving for Japan in September. The thing is that I have been looking for a job for about 3 weeks now and I really, really need this! First of all, I need something to do, I have to get out of the house! Secondly, I would love to have some money when I go to Japan and (more immediately) put some gas in my car. Finally, I would love to make some friends, hopefully having a job would help that to happen.

So, here I am, ready to go 2 hours before my interview. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am a last minute kind of girl… this is totally out of character for me.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about Japan since it is the only thing I have to look forward too in my life. I am getting more nervous about it as the day approaches. I have put off buying my plane ticket because picking a date really, really scares me. It seems so final. Well, actually, it is final— I signed a year contract. I would like to fly out of Rochester, I plan on going up there for a week before so that I can see a few people one last time before I leave for the year. Also, I need to finish my Visa paperwork ASAP—they can take a while to get and I would be really upset if it wasn’t ready on time because I put it off. See, I told you I was a last minute kind of girl!

I am worried about adjusting to life in Japan. The culture, the language, the food, etc. I will be living in an apartment on the campus of the college that I will be working at. It’s a commuter college so no students will be living on campus with me— this makes me sad. I am told that after 5pm it gets a little lonely and eerie. So, we’ll see. I am worried about being lonely. I experienced this is Costa Rica, feeling alone not because you are physically alone but because there isn’t anyone who understands you— they don’t understand your language, your culture, your choices, your way of thinking, your perspective. To remedy that I would make an extra effort to understand them and to think like them. There were things that I loved and hated about Costa Rican/Latin American culture but I did my absolute best to understand and not to judge. I will have to do the same in Japan, but the difference between my culture and theirs seem even greater than they were in Latin America. Mostly because they are Eastern, their history is vastly difference than the Americas, and they are a very unique people because they live on an island and have been isolated. I’m sure there are many other reasons (and maybe the ones I mentioned aren’t any of them), but I know that whatever they are I will have a bit of a rough time adjusting at first.

I am looking forward to building relationships with the staff at the university and I am looking forward to building relationships with the students. I am looking forward to home-stays, my Japanese classes and learning about a culture that is new to me. I am excited to try new foods.

My paragraph on my worries is a lot longer than the one on what I am excited for, but I think that is just because there is so much mystery right now.

Well, I have effectively eliminated a half hour of time. I would like to say that my interview outfit rocks, I feel confident! Now, I am hungry. So, off to lunch… that should take some more time.

Note to self: eat before you get into your interview clothes and don’t get ready so freaking early next time.

84 days until Japan.